About The Off-Day: Meanderings of My Mind

About The Off-Day: Meanderings of My Mind

By Tim Kabel

April 1, 2025

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The Yankees had yesterday off after sweeping the Milwaukee Brewers to open the 2025 season. They will be back in action tonight against the Arizona Diamondbacks, with Corbin Burnes pitching against Will Warren. Since there is no game to recap, I will now move from topic to topic like Paul Bunyan wading through a forest with his double-bladed axe. By the way, the Sonny and Cher song, “I Got, You, Babe”, was originally recorded by Paul Bunyan in 1937 as a tribute to his blue ox.

·      There has been a lot of chin wagging and wrist wringing over the “torpedo bats” some of the Yankees players have been using this season. I really don't understand why. This is not a new development. In fact, I did some research on the topic. The torpedo bat was first developed by Don Rickles. Burt Lancaster, and Clark Gable on the set of Run Silent, Run Deep in 1958.  Don Rickles was a Major League Baseball player for the Chicago White Sox in addition to being an actor and comedian. He famously caused a bench clearing brawl in 1956 when he tagged Yogi Berra roughly and called him a “hockey puck” while Berra was sliding into second base. At age 32, Rickles was losing some of his legendary power. Because the film was set aboard a submarine, they had a lot of contact with and exposure to torpedoes. One night, during a very animated and lively discussion, Clark Gable suggested that Rickles develop a bat similar in shape to a torpedo. Lancaster quickly agreed. Eventually, Rickles had the bat designed and approved by the league. In 1959 he regained his form and won the American League batting championship with a .367 average.  He also hit 46 home runs. The following season, Rickles suffered a severe hamstring injury and retired from baseball. The “torpedo bat” was lost to history until being rediscovered this season.

·      The Yankees re-signed Dominic Smith to a minor league contract yesterday but advised him that he is very likely to be called up to the Major Leagues to replace Ben Rice as the designated hitter as Aaron Boone, Brian Cashman, and Hal Steinbrenner were displeased with Rice because he only hit one home run on Sunday. Unless Rice produces a minimum of two home runs a game, he has been told that he will be replaced with Smith.

·      The Yankees have hired Aaron Hicks to work with the outfielders on their defense. He will pay particular attention to Jasson Dominguez and has already begun a series of drills that include pouting, staring at the ball on the ground for thirty seconds before attempting to pick it up, and the most complicated drill- flailing your arms while the ball sails over your head. Hicks stated that it would be a few weeks before he could begin working with Dominguez and the other outfielders on finger pointing.

·      The Yankees have hired Steve Balboni to be the new base stealing coach.  He will be working with Jazz Chisholm Jr., Anthony Volpe, Cody Bellinger, and Jasson Dominguez to improve their base stealing and base running abilities. When asked about his new position, Balboni stated, “People always thought they called me ‘Bye-Bye’ Balboni because I hit a lot of home runs. That wasn't actually true. They gave me that nickname because I was so fast. When I got on first base, I would look at the first baseman and say ‘Bye -Bye”. Before he could even signal for the pitcher to throw over, I would be on second base.” The players are all excited to be working with such a legendary speedster. Balboni's revolutionary technique is to not take a lead on the base but rather to set up a lawn chair and bring refreshments, thereby lulling the pitcher into a sense of false confidence.

·      Two of the Yankees best pitchers have signed up for a new item available in the food court this season Max Fried and Gerrit Cole will be pitching “Fried chicken and Cole slaw. The meal will include two pieces of chicken and a cup of coleslaw. It will be served in a reusable plastic serving dish with pictures of both pitchers on it.

·      Aaron Boone announced yesterday that Pablo Reyes will play third base whenever Max Fried pitches because Boone’s calculations after Saturday’s game indicated that the more errors that are made behind Fried will lead to the Yankees scoring runs with greater frequency. When asked to explain further, Boone stated, “It's all there in front of them.”

·      The Yankees announced a unique marketing plan and package deal. They have signed Joey Gallo, but not as an outfielder. He will be in the bullpen. The Yankees have signed a corresponding deal with Ernest and Julio Gallo to provide special wine coolers to all the fans 21 and older whenever Joey Gallo enters the game. The wine coolers will be available in the following flavors: Peach, Raspberry, and Cranberry-Lime.

·      During an interview with Meredith Marakovits, Aaron Boone was asked how he became such a great communicator. He explained to Meredith that he owed it all to his mentor, the late, great Norm Crosby.

·      The Yankees have announced their plan to retire uniform #11 in honor of Fred “Chicken” Stanley to coincide with his birthday on August 13th. In addition to retiring his number, they will erect a statue in Monument Park in his honor.  Furthermore, the Yankees will distribute complimentary portions of their new Max Fried chicken and Gerrit Cole slaw to the first 20,000 fans 14 and older on Fred “Chicken” Stanley Day.

·      Aaron Boone announced yesterday that the plan to use Dominic Smith as the designated hitter will only be temporary. As soon as Giancarlo Stanton is able to hold a bat, he will become the everyday designated hitter. Dominic Smith will then shift to left field. DJ LeMahieu will also begin playing third base as soon as he is ambulatory. Boone also announced that Joe Girardi be coming out of the broadcast  booth to resume his catching career for the Yankees. Boone stated, “We really felt that we needed a veteran presence. I watched him in batting practice today and he was really getting after it.” Boone was wearing a sweatshirt with the logo “Go away kid. Ya bother me.” While making the announcement.

·      I will be putting my kitten, Clancy, up for adoption. I went to the eye doctor a few days ago and I was diagnosed with cataracts. The only logical conclusion is that I caught them from the cats.

·      Happy April Fool’s Day!!!!